Tuesday, January 8, 2008

To Our Friends in the Fourth Avenue Community

We feel it is of utmost importance that you be informed that the Cherry Tree Bar, at 65 Fourth Avenue, was closed by the Department of Health on December 8, 2008, for the following appalling violations of New York City health code:

--“Dust” on the Saran Wrap covering its pizza dough. It may be “extremely likely” that this “dust” was “flour” (hmm...maybe a new word for cocaine? Drug violation!) used in making the dough, but who knows? We cannot have dust anywhere in our spotless New York!

--A lack of paper towels in one of The Cherry Tree’s bathrooms. It may be that the health inspectors used up the last of the paper towels in order to cite The Cherry Tree for this violation, and that it was “audible” to people standing outside the bathroom, but that’s simply “creative generation” of a health violation. Our Health Department has labored for too long under stifling “rules” that force them to cite only what they see, and not the magical violations they can create with just their mind, misplaced authority, and a pen!

--The Cherry Tree’s manager was not present. It may be that Patrick Donagher, the manager of the bar, lives above the bar and is there nearly every waking (and sleeping) hour, and not only that, is “on camera” escorting the Health Department inspectors around, but we have it on good authority that the Health Department inspectors were careful never to look at anything, especially people. How do they know Mr. Donagher was really there and not a disembodied Wizard of Oz-like voice? In short, Mr. Donagher, we demand you remove your Invisibility Cloak and report to Health Inspector Snape at once.

--The Cherry Tree’s cook walking around the bar without gloves on. It may be that cooks are only required to wear gloves when “preparing food,” but how do we know that the cook wasn’t thinking about preparing food at that very moment, which, when you really think about it, is just the first step in preparing food? Because it’s likely the cook didn’t have gloves on in his imagined food preparation, this violation has not only been recorded in the Health Department’s annals, but has been reported to the New York City Department of Thoughtcrime.

In sum, it’s undeniable by any thinking lady or gentleman that any one of these violations is enough to shut down a bar or restaurant, but when taken together, these constitute one of the gravest threats to New York City’s health since brain freeze or pointy things. In fact, after seeing these violations listed, we can’t imagine how anyone could enter The Cherry Tree without contracting a terrible disease or enjoying some good food. Kudos to the intrepid men and women of our city’s Health Department, who fight the demons of Law, Morality, and Visual Evidence in order to shut down sinister neighborhood small businesses like The Cherry Tree.

We fully support the Department of Health in shutting down The Cherry Tree for these egregious crimes.


Pacific Standard, and The Cherry Tree’s Fourth Avenue Neighbors.

P.S. Corrupt, you say? More like curr-awesome!

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